Malaysia's National Everything

NATIONAL BEHAVIOUR AT CAR SHOWROOMS:
First walk towards the car you are interested in.Then walkaround the car in circles, tapping and knockingevery part ofthe chassis with your knuckles. Then saysomething like"Body not very solid". After that approach the frontleft tyre,give it a few hard kicks just to "test" the tyre. Nextwalk to therear right side and press the body of the car downa few times,and exclaim loudly "wah, asorbar not bad". Are youdone?Now you're ready to do the static "test drive". Getinto the carand give the steering wheel a few turns. Flash thelights,sound the horn, recline the seats, pull and releasethe handbrake, open up every compartment etc. Do all thetests whileyou're pretending to read the brochure. Finished?Final test:get out of the car and slam the door a few times tocheck for"solid sound". If satisfied, approach the salesmanand ask"How much loan can take?"

NATIONAL RICE COOKER:
National Rice Cooker.99% of Malaysian households use a National RiceCooker, theother 1 % don't eat rice.

NATIONAL DOG NAME:
Lucky or Poppy. Every self respecting mongrel inMalaysiawho has an owner will invariably be named Poppyor Lucky.

NATIONAL BREAKFAST (ON THE WAY TOWORK):
Nasi Lemak. Who cooks and eats nasi lemak athome forbreakfast anyway?

NATIONAL BREAKFAST (AT HOME):
Maggi Mee. Also the national lunch and dinner ifyou're a outof town student, bachelor, neglected husband, lazyfella, etc.

NATIONAL EXCUSE FOR HAIR LOSS:
Maggi Mee.

NATIONAL EXCUSE FOR BEING LATE:
Traffic Jam.

NATIONAL CONDOM:
None. Most Malaysians still feel embarrassedbuyingcondoms. So they rushed in to a Seven Eleven,hurriedly grabthe nearest pack, any pack, pay and leave beforethe cashiercan even blink an eye.

NATIONAL FRUIT FOR INDUCINGMENSTRUATION:
Pineapple

NATIONAL APHRODISIAC DRINK:
Stout. Many swear by it. But after a few pints theystartswearing at everything

NATIONAL FAKE ILLNESS FOR GETTING MC(MEN):
Food Poisoning.

NATIONAL FAKE ILLNESS FOR GETTING MC(WOMEN):
Menstrual Pain

NATIONAL EXCUSES GIVEN BY WOMEN WHENREFUSING SEX:
Headache, kids not asleep, maid not asleep,mother-in-lawaround, early appointment, food not digested yet,air cond notcold enough, air cond too cold, nail polish not dryyet, forgot totake the pill, sleepy, stomach cramps, period,haven't removemake-up, haven't shower, no water supply, going towatch"Santa Barbara", depress, no mood, etc.

NATIONAL EXCUSES GIVEN BY MEN WHENREFUSINGSEX:
None. Malaysian men never refuse sex.

NATIONAL SECRET SEXUAL DESIRE OFMALAYSIANMEN:
Transvestites. Every heterosexual male Malaysianseems tohave a secret desire for a "bapok". Come Saturdaynights,they will flock to all those places where thetransvestites hangout. They ogle at them, tease them, pay fortheir "services",etc. They never fail to honk in excitement whenthey see oneon the road. And the Saturday night outings tothese placesare always in a group of three or four male friends.It's a kindof Malaysian male bonding. Yes. Male bonding byseekingmen dressed up as women. It's no wonder thatdrag showssuch as "Paper Dolls" are ever so popular inMalaysia.

NATIONAL CURE FOR HEADACHES:
Panadol. The "cure all" for Malaysians. If it fails wehaveanother secret weapon;Tiger Balm.

NATIONAL CURE FOR DIZZINESS:
Minyak Angin Cap Kapak.

NATIONAL CAUSE OF DIZZINESS (FORYUPPIES):
Happy Hours.

NATIONAL INSTANT CURE FOR DIZZINESS (FORYUPPIES):
The sight of a police road block.

NATIONAL CURE FOR DIARRHEA:
Pil 'Chi-Kit' Teck Aun. The miracle cure! It works.Ten minutesand you're "dried" up. Always pack some of thisstuff whenyou're travelling.

NATIONAL PASTIME ON WEEKENDS:
Queuing up patiently at 4D shops. This is verystrange. Onweek days you'll find the same people jumpingqueues,elbowing the next guy at the bus stops, trainstations etc.THEORY & REALITY. The probability of youwinning the firstprize at a 4D game is 10000 to 1. Hard tocomprehend?Imagine you're at the Merdeka Stadium and you'restanding onthe field facing the grandstand. There are only10000spectators and you have lost your car keys. One oftheseguys in the crowd have found your keys. I give youonly onechance to pinpoint that guy. No way right?! Somuch for thetheory. Now for the reality. Malaysians are anoptimistic lotand I believe that the possibility of your luckynumber comingup in a permutation is always almost 10 to 1. Thatis why thenext morning at the kopi tiam, someone will bescreaming%#*&! Na Phui! Number Terbalik! My good friendLoo Singh, aregular punter has offered the following tips. Whenyou're atany KTM (Kuda, Toto, Magnum) outlets alwaysavoid a queueconsisting mainly of Chinese. These fellas don'tlike pen andpaper. They bark their bets across the countercausingunnecessary delays. Avoid the queue where thereare manyIndians. Indians like to place RM 1 bets. Onlyproblem is theyplace about 200 RM 1 bets at the same time. Thewhole ofSentul probably "tumpang" him. Go for the queuewhere thereare many Malays and Indonesians. Usually, theyplace smallbets and only on one number.

NATIONAL WATCH FOR TYCOONS:
Rolex. Usually the model with the gold braceletand diamondstudded bezel.

NATIONAL WATCH FOR YUPPIES:
Tag Hauer. Every yuppie's must-have "show off"accessory.Usually further down the wrist, in the palm is a tinyMotorola Vseries cellular phone. The irony is that Motorolaspent muchtime and effort creating a phone that fitscomfortably insidethe shirt pocket.
NATIONAL WATCH FOR THE REST OF US:
Rolex, Tag Hauer, Raymond Weil or Patek PhilippefromPetaling Street.

NATIONAL RUBBISH DUMP:
Anywhere. As long as it is not your house.

NATIONAL PLACES FOR SMOOCHING:
Lake Gardens, cinemas and reservoirs.

NATIONAL PLACES FOR PEEPING TOMS:
Lake Gardens, cinemas and reservoirs.

NATIONAL MOST MIS-PRONOUNCED NAME:
Carrefour. Sometimes even pronounced as Carry 4!On second thoughts, why bother pronouncingPeugeot,Renault or Citroen correctly. I thinks it soundsbetter, when thelocal mechanics say "Pew Jeot". When I was inschool, Milowas always Mee Lo, now that I'm sophisticated, Isay "MyLo". So don't be embarassed saying "Carry 4"when the MatSallehs shamelessly pronounce orang utanas "rangutan".

NATIONAL BEHAVIOUR AT ANNUAL DINNERS:
Attacking the Balloons. This one I can never figureout. Whenthe balloons are released from the ballroom'sceiling, grownmen in suits, women, children, even the waiters willattack theballoons like savages. They squashed andstomped on theballoons so ferociously until not one single inflatedballoon isleft. They take no prisoners. They then quietlymarch out ofthe ballroom like victorious soldiers leaving behinda trail ofdeath and destruction. Animals!

NATIONAL ROADSIDE DISTRACTION:
The Bra-less Tourist. See how heads turn andtraffic slowsdown when a bra-less Mat Salleh backpacker goesbouncingabout on the streets of Kuala Lumpur.

NATIONAL POSE:
Stick Two Fingers.Another one which I can't figure out. When you'rehaving yourpicture taken, the friend behind you will alwaysplace two"horns" on your head.